In the demanding world of leadership, self-compassion is an essential yet often overlooked practice. For female leaders, especially those navigating male-dominated environments, self-compassion is not just beneficial but vital. Scientific evidence consistently supports the benefits of self-compassion over self-criticism, highlighting its role in enhancing mental health, resilience, and overall well-being.

As an MCC Coach with over 3000 coaching hours, accredited by the International Coach Federation, I have coached hundreds of talented, powerful, and effective female leaders. A common factor — apart from how incredible they are — is how often they speak to themselves in ways they would never speak to another human being — even one they didn’t like or respect! The language they use with themselves is often harsh, mean, and downright cruel. When I call out this behaviour and language in my client sessions, I emphasise the importance of their well-being and recommend they start speaking to themselves like they would to a 4-5 year old child they love deeply and unconditionally.

Understanding Self-Compassion

Self-compassion, as defined by Dr. Kristin Neff, consists of three main components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

• Self-Kindness: This involves treating oneself with care and understanding rather than harsh judgement. It's about being gentle and supportive to oneself, especially during times of failure or difficulty.
• Common Humanity: Recognising that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience. This helps individuals understand that they are not alone in their struggles.

• Mindfulness: Holding one’s thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness, avoiding over-identification with negative emotions.

In contrast, self-criticism involves harsh self-judgement, isolation, and over-identification with one’s mistakes and flaws. Familiar at all? If so, note that it’s a destructive habit that undermines confidence, self-trust, and well-being.

The Role of the Unconscious Mind

Our unconscious mind, according to Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and various psychological theories, processes information in a way that can be likened to a young child. The unconscious mind — of which we all have one — is highly impressionable and often accepts suggestions without critical analysis, similar to how a 4-5 year old child might. When we repeatedly speak to ourselves harshly, our unconscious mind internalises these messages, which can lead to issues with self-esteem and confidence.

Imagine what would happen to a child if they were constantly spoken to in the way many speak to themselves — they would be traumatised and grow up with confidence and trust issues. Similarly, the unconscious mind reacts to self-criticism by reinforcing negative beliefs and behaviours. By speaking to ourselves gently, kindly, and compassionately, we can reprogram our unconscious mind to foster positive self-beliefs and emotional resilience.

So if you have ever wished you had more confidence and self-trust, then recognise the impact that you are having on that every day by the way you speak to yourself. Time for change? I think so.

The Science Behind Self-Compassion

Research has shown that self-compassion significantly impacts mental health and resilience. According to a study published in the journal Self and Identity, self-compassion is linked to lower levels of anxiety and depression (Neff, 2003). Furthermore, a study in the Journal of Clinical Psychology found that self-compassionate individuals experience greater emotional resilience and are better able to cope with stress (Neff, Rude, & Kirkpatrick, 2007).

In leadership roles, self-compassion fosters better decision-making and problem-solving. Research by Dr. Emma Seppälä at Stanford University indicates that self-compassionate leaders are more effective and make more balanced decisions. They are less likely to be paralysed by fear of failure and more open to innovative solutions.

Practical Strategies for Cultivating Self-Compassion 

To integrate self-compassion into daily leadership practices, female leaders can adopt the following strategies:

Self-Kindness Practices:

• Years ago, when I started this ‘wild and often bumpy ride’ of self-compassion, I began a practice of not getting out of bed until I had said something gentle and kind to myself. I used the same terms I used when comforting my young child. One morning, after practising this for months, I rolled over and said ‘good morning, sweetheart’ in a kind and gentle voice. My boyfriend replied, ‘good morning, beautiful.’ In that moment, I realised I was talking to myself, not him. My practice had improved so much that it became something I could ‘literally do in my sleep’. I was so proud of myself. Try saying something gentle and kind to yourself before you get out of bed every morning.

• Engage in positive self-talk. Replace self-critical thoughts with supportive and encouraging ones.

• Establish self-care routines that prioritise physical and mental health, such as regular exercise, healthy eating, adequate sleep, and working with an experienced and supportive coach.

Recognising Shared Experiences:

• Reflect on common humanity by connecting with peers and sharing challenges and experiences with honesty and vulnerability, which can be scary sometimes.

• Surround yourself with people who are good for you and your emotional well-being. Spend time with those who promote understanding and solidarity among female leaders.

Mindfulness Exercises:

• Practice mindfulness meditation to maintain a balanced awareness of thoughts and emotions. I use “Insight Timer” and love the meditations by Sarah Blondin. My favourites are: ‘Practising Gentle Kindness Towards Ourselves’ and my absolute favourite of all time, ‘Learning to Surrender.’
• Use mindful breathing techniques during stressful situations to stay grounded and centred.

Creating new habits to replace self-criticism with compassion and kindness takes time, and well … self-compassion. Think about it: you have probably practised self-criticism for the last 20-30 years or longer, and learned it from role models in your life, too, developing and thickening those neural pathways. Now it’s time to change that. It will take practice and gentle kindness when you don’t get it right.

Self-compassion is a powerful tool for effective leadership, fostering resilience, better decision-making, and overall well-being. By embracing self-compassion, female leaders can navigate their professional and personal lives with greater ease and confidence. It is a pathway to personal and professional growth that leads to more authentic and impactful leadership. Self-compassion isn't just about feeling better, it's about unlocking your full potential as a leader.

Go on, give it a go! Your future self will thank you!

Liked what you read? Check out this article next: Gentle Leadership: Embracing Kindness and Forgiveness. Discover how gentle leadership, characterised by kindness and forgiveness, can create a positive work environment and foster resilience. Learn practical strategies to integrate these qualities into your leadership approach for a lasting impact.